By E. Perryman
8.18.18
My mom took a look out of our picture window as my Dad’s car drove out of driveway. She had thought of calling him but she would see him later she thought. She had made him a bag lunch and put it on the counter. They hadn’t said goodbye or hugged each other that October morning. Perhaps both of them were crabby or tired from a full weekend of bridge, voice lessons, choir, and church. They had been bickering before he left to practice the organ.
My dad didn’t come back. My mom didn’t get to say goodbye or talk to him again. Forty five minutes later that morning, a police car, not my Dad’s red Grand Prix that he loved so much, pulled up our driveway with news that changed our lives forever.
Even 17 years later, the loss of my father has never been healed. It is a known loss but nothing that we will ever recover from.
His robust voice was silenced at 63. No sickness had preceded his death. His was a sudden death that morning while he was practicing the organ at the church of the ascension.
I have often tried to “reason” with my mom in the hopes of making her feel better; how could she have ever said goodbye? What are the right words to say to someone who has been your partner and great love for 39 years?
Tonight, I thought of my parents unfortunate last moment together as I performed in an opera. My character, who is a mother, begs to say goodbye and kiss her son before her death. Her pleas do work perhaps with a high C to help her cause.
My mom can never change the last moments with my dad and just hopes that he knows how much she loved him. If I am sure of anything, this I know is true. He knew.
It’s taken me a long time to show emotion over his death. Streams of tears didn’t come for a long time. Music brought it out of me months later but it’s been a slow, fragile road.
Only in the past couple years have I been able to much more emotionally inhabit my singing and overcome my habit of singing safe.
So tonight, I poured all of my emotion into this opera aria “Morro.” I sang from my guilt and grief over the sudden death of my Dad. It was scary. I’m sure my legato waned in sections. But it was worth it. I was overwhelmed by the warm response of the audience. And I am eternally grateful to have had this moment.
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