So. My inside story.
I deal with high levels of anxiety. Or so I have been diagnosed. I imagine I’m not alone.
I come from a fairly anxious functioning family. I also have “matured” into not showing immediate emotion. I’ve stuffed a lot over time. I admire those who are demonstrative. It took me over a year to cry after my father’s death. When I finally did, it was at unexpected times.
After I moved to NJ, I began to have night “terrors” from time to time. Sometimes I could journal, walk, breathe, and talk myself down within a couple hours. My type A personality wants to figure out what I need to do to function well again. I do not ever want to be a victim if I can help it.
At work, I had followed a beloved teacher at my current teaching job and I didn’t want to be a disappointment. I’m sure this added to my anxiety.
When Elizabeth and I moved in together in 2005, I had probably my scariest night terror. This included: pulse over 120, head popping feeling, loose body functions, sense of impending doom, hyper motor skills, and feeling of being physically disconnected. The ER gave me adavan which relaxed me so much that I was brought to tears which was a long time coming.
So I decided to go the medication route with a psychiatrist. I still do intend to do talk therapy but since I have been taking Venlafaxine, I have felt a big difference in the episodes I have had (which have been much less.)
All of the above I have shared with my psychiatrist. The symptoms have been the same. I have been telling her the same things, or at least trying to, for years. She increased my dosage a few years ago which I agreed to. It did help.
So the weekend this February when I was able to be home with my mom during her surgery, I had a night attack in my childhood home. It didn’t last long and the symptoms were much less. My journal matched all of the others; same experiences, similar triggers.
I tell my psychiatrist yesterday. She barely hears what I’m saying and starts to insist on more meds, and that I may have a serious health problem with my asthma. She doesn’t just say it once. She keeps telling me over and over again. I try to explain the trigger and trends and that I want to explore all options. She interrupts and says “Just stop. Don’t you want to get better?” If I didn’t have anxiety already, she definitely was the catalyst to bring it on.
Needless to say, this approach does NOT work with my personality. If anything, I dig my heels in deeper. A good cult member I would not make. So I told her that she isn’t supposed to be raising her voice to me as my psychiatrist and that the symptoms are the same ones I have been telling her for years.
So yes, I will get another medical check up, seek a sleep study, and see the pulmonologist.
Additionally I know my weight issues aren’t blameless here. I truly believe that my overall diet and well being will help much more than ingesting another 150mg. That and beginning some talk therapy.
All this to say, it sucks when your psychiatrist badgers you to take more drugs. Perhaps even Lucy would disapprove.
#akintsucrooner
(Dr. Carmencita Lanez, MD is a psychiatry specialist in Hopelawn, NJ and has been practicing for 41 years.)
akintsucrooner 