It will be 20 years this spring when I first sang at the Newark Cathedral Basilica.
In 2003, I got a call on my Jersey City landline (the olden days) from the fabulous human and contralto extraordinaire Marion Gayles. I was singing both mezzo and soprano during those days when I was graduate student poor.
The Newark Cathedral needed an Alto 2 ringer for their upcoming Verdi Requiem. It would be the first time I would have the privilege to sing at the cathedral. To say that I had nerves is an epic understatement. I added as much as I could as I worked to silence the ongoing. “you’re a fraud” voices in my head. I had all the feels but not enough aol online connection to fully dial up my authentic self. I became a regular Cathedral sub and would become a soprano section leader a decade later.
No, I wasn’t out to my family yet during these days. It doesn’t go unnoticed that there was a connection between my self effacing persona and scared inner gay. Bouncing off a wild time living in Louisiana in 2003, I was still barely out to myself. I had just started exploring this mysterious L word part of myself that I had always silenced. My bro got the news first during what would be a sitcom worthy reveal at thanksgiving (luckily Eliz didn’t have to escape out of the window). He immediately became our staunch advocate and would help pave the way for bigger fish. 😉
So these 20 years have been a process of embracing my extra, rambunctious, occasionally inappropriate self. I do envy the today’s youngsters who aren’t all assumed straight until proven gay. Back in my day, people thought Liberace was straight; he was just theatrical.
Today, I was grateful to be the soprano soloist in our “we shall overcome” anthem at the cathedral MLK mass. I remember how it used to feel when I would seize up with fear before singing. In order to escape the nerves and do my best, I had to fully disappear into a role. Today, I was able to sing from my heart with all of my vocal facility and share my muse. There weren’t nerves, just excitement. I can see more clearly now which music most speaks to me as an artist. My heartbeat connects immediately with the spiritual genre. This style most matches the expressive sounds of my musical childhood and family; full throated, full of range, and emotional. I am grateful to my Grandma Bernadine for giving this musical gift to my dad who would pass it on.
I thought I might want to be a minister when I was a kid. I was always enamored by the passion. I was drawn to envision how to transcend a lot of the crap I endured as a child. I also feel fortunate to have grown up in an affirming UCC church with ecumenical singer parents.
Should I be granted, I will continue to seek to find ways to pastor with my voice and teaching.
akintsucrooner 