akintsucrooner

FOMO

By E. Perryman

#akintsucrooner.wordpress.com

4.7.19

Oops, he did it again…..Pastor Don made my wheels turn AGAIN. This time he quoted the “wounded healer” philosophy of Carl Jung no less, (also explored by theologian Henri Nouwen.) Pastor Don is cool. During his insights, all I could think of was FOMO.

Huh, you say?

FOMO meaning, the fear of missing out….a modern term, right? A term restricted for millennials, correct? Nah and nope, imho.

The FOMO epidemic is alive and well especially in the social media wild west in which we currently dwell. And it is a acronym related to our internal mortal landscape.

Many of us daily navigate electronic snapshots often that poke at our emptiness and feelings of inadequacy. We feel left out. Not good enough. Inadequate. No matter how much we achieve, fulfillment doesn’t bypass enduring loneliness. Our empty, internal shards are hidden inside, numbed by various vices: food, anger, control, substances etc…..I, for one, eat my feelings. And they taste pretty darn good.

We present as whole and ignore the void we feel inside to maintain. Giving up power and embracing weakness seems like an insurmountable feat. Yet it is our wounds that will ultimately connects us to each other. Our protective layers only isolate us.

In the Christian theology, Jesus is present in the places where we feel most afraid. When we bare our wounds, we bring Christ to each other and potentially heal each other. Perhaps maybe this is why I am so drawn to his teaching. No longer do we have to hide. There is a new vision and hope for peace.

Sometimes it is easier to figure out how to sing by using your friendly neighborhood props. My voice student/colleague and I take you through a prop journey in this short clip from my golden sack. These visual aides can helpfully help with placement, breathing, and vowels.

(A special thanks to the camera work and occasional commentary of Elizabeth Honer.)

Peggy Smith Skarry was my voice teacher when I lived in Chicago from 1992-1996. I was happy as a music teacher but the opera singer in me was dormant and restless during these times. Peggy got me on the path to singing more while teaching public school music. This ultimately led me to go back full time to get my master’s degree in vocal performance in 1996. It greatly changed the trajectory of my future and is why I ended up in the northeast.

Peggy picked wonderful operatic repertoire for me that set me on the right path. She was sharp, exuberant, enthusiastic, and inspiring. I loved going to my lessons at the fine arts club on Michigan Avenue. Her talents were vast and her passion for life was infectious.

Peggy passed away on Sunday March 24, 2019. Our mutual friend, Patricia Spencer, who had connected us initially, went to see her a few days before she passed. Patricia was a long time friend of Peggy. Peggy couldn’t speak anymore but Patricia played a Bach fugue on the piano for her friend.

One of the arias I learned with Peggy was Puccini’s glorious aria “Chi il bel sogno.” Peggy picked wonderful repertoire for me like this as well as La Wally. She knew I had an upper extension and found pieces to really help foster its growth. I will always think of Peggy and her life when I hear or sing the ending lyrics of this sublime piece. Gone but never forgotten.

Ah! My dream!

Ah! My life!

Who cares about wealth

If in the end flourishes

Pure bliss!

Oh golden dream,

to be able to love like that!

https://www.dignitymemorial.com/obituaries/chicago-il/peggy-skarry-8226523

I’m feeling grateful for a radical Pastor Donald Steele today. He wasn’t playing at the pulpit today. He tilled the spring soil and turned those stones upside down.

He spoke about Lent and the custom of sacrificing (giving up something) in a way that deeply resonated with me. It was healing to think beyond ways that don’t serve us as well anymore.

What if you gave up the following for lent? What if you gave up the belief that we aren’t inadequate, we are not alone, we are worthy of love, we are connected in profound ways, we have value beyond worth and we are irreplaceable.

Radical acceptance is harder sometimes than accepting inferiority and inadequacy.

Picture by Dominique Hurley.

#radicalacceptance #dominiquehurley

https://www.dominiquehurley.com/new-painting-radical-acceptance/

#Godisstillspeaking

I’m very excited to say that my cathedral choir director displayed the scoop sign I made for him and the choir loft. He has been working on our vocal “honesty;” getting us not to scoop to the note. Scooping in Lenten renaissance motets is especially a faux pas. There are a few savory moments during the liturgical year where we are allowed a bit of a slide for textual and emotional reasons. So the sign is 2 sided: “Just say no to scooping” (I’m an 80s kid,) and the other side says, “Keep calm and scoop on.” As you were. #singersscoop

#akintsucrooner

Welp. It is almost time to pack away the Alleluia. I didn’t grow up with this tradition in my particular UCC church so I’m not gonna lie, Lent aka Quadragesima, is rough because I know I won’t measure up. The great news is that the Alleluia comes back and hope and grace are on the other side. #grateful

So. My inside story.

I deal with high levels of anxiety. Or so I have been diagnosed. I imagine I’m not alone.

I come from a fairly anxious functioning family. I also have “matured” into not showing immediate emotion. I’ve stuffed a lot over time. I admire those who are demonstrative. It took me over a year to cry after my father’s death. When I finally did, it was at unexpected times.

After I moved to NJ, I began to have night “terrors” from time to time. Sometimes I could journal, walk, breathe, and talk myself down within a couple hours. My type A personality wants to figure out what I need to do to function well again. I do not ever want to be a victim if I can help it.

At work, I had followed a beloved teacher at my current teaching job and I didn’t want to be a disappointment. I’m sure this added to my anxiety.

When Elizabeth and I moved in together in 2005, I had probably my scariest night terror. This included: pulse over 120, head popping feeling, loose body functions, sense of impending doom, hyper motor skills, and feeling of being physically disconnected. The ER gave me adavan which relaxed me so much that I was brought to tears which was a long time coming.

So I decided to go the medication route with a psychiatrist. I still do intend to do talk therapy but since I have been taking Venlafaxine, I have felt a big difference in the episodes I have had (which have been much less.)

All of the above I have shared with my psychiatrist. The symptoms have been the same. I have been telling her the same things, or at least trying to, for years. She increased my dosage a few years ago which I agreed to. It did help.

So the weekend this February when I was able to be home with my mom during her surgery, I had a night attack in my childhood home. It didn’t last long and the symptoms were much less. My journal matched all of the others; same experiences, similar triggers.

I tell my psychiatrist yesterday. She barely hears what I’m saying and starts to insist on more meds, and that I may have a serious health problem with my asthma. She doesn’t just say it once. She keeps telling me over and over again. I try to explain the trigger and trends and that I want to explore all options. She interrupts and says “Just stop. Don’t you want to get better?” If I didn’t have anxiety already, she definitely was the catalyst to bring it on.

Needless to say, this approach does NOT work with my personality. If anything, I dig my heels in deeper. A good cult member I would not make. So I told her that she isn’t supposed to be raising her voice to me as my psychiatrist and that the symptoms are the same ones I have been telling her for years.

So yes, I will get another medical check up, seek a sleep study, and see the pulmonologist.

Additionally I know my weight issues aren’t blameless here. I truly believe that my overall diet and well being will help much more than ingesting another 150mg. That and beginning some talk therapy.

All this to say, it sucks when your psychiatrist badgers you to take more drugs. Perhaps even Lucy would disapprove.

#akintsucrooner

(Dr. Carmencita Lanez, MD is a psychiatry specialist in Hopelawn, NJ and has been practicing for 41 years.)

Inspiring Pastor Steele 2.10.19 sermon strikes again….

True or false JC style:

1. Good acts brings no struggle? False.

2. Storms happen because of the faithless. Nope.

3. Spiritual belief ceases suffering. Wrong.

https://youtu.be/QCBIk6EDn7M
“You may ask me why I serve the Lord, is it just for heaven’s gain. Or to walk those mighty streets of gold, and to hear the angels sing.

Is it just to drink from the fountain, that never shall run dry. Or just to live forever, ever, and ever, in that sweet, sweet bye and bye.

Chorus:
But if heaven never was promised to me, neither God’s promise to live eternally.
It’s been worth just having the Lord in my life.
Living in a world of darkness, you came along and brought me the light.

If there were never any streets of gold, neither a land where we’ll never grow old, It’s been worth just having the Lord in my life. You’ve been my closest friend down through the years, and every time I cry You dry my tears.

It’s been worth just having the Lord in my life.
Living in a world of darkness, living in a world of darkness, you came along and brought me the light.”

You know those lingering files that collect on your hard drive (what is this hard drive relic of which I speak?) Those memorable files that collect over time; the type you can’t get rid of? In the case of teaching, these files are an unexpected system corruption. It’s those sudden times when an interaction with a student, parent, or fellow teacher goes badly with a guttural panache. Well, this week was one of those new pot hole weeks that won’t be soon forgotten. But the good news is that there is always hope and many blessings all around. One of these blessings are the beautiful treble clef-esque earrings I received from @grrlrighter. My ears welcomed them wholeheartedly after a weary week. Onwards. #vitabrevisarslonga🌹